Good news/bad news.

Photo copyright Aji, 2019;
all rights reserved.

Yesterday evening's mostly-post-storm light. A few flurries, but the real weather mass was moving out. We got really lucky with the weather and the roads; only a little sleet and snow on the way down, when we were about 90% of the way through the Gorge, at the point where it mostly flattens out. The blizzard hit in Santa Fe, but small and intermittent. We wound up chasing the storm home, and it was clear that it was much more ferocious through the Gorge and here at home than down in SF.

Yesterday was kind of a good news/bad news sort of thing. The imaging freaked me out sufficiently that I had to clamp my jaw and eyes shut to hold it together; she did a lot more than I was expecting, as well as a LOT more marking and measuring than I expected. It apparently concerned her enough to flag my file, too. Unlike last time, they had it read and results uploaded in an hour and a half (while we were on the road still), and this time, one of the staffers made sure I had access to it electronically. So I know now that the organ that was terrifying me most is in fact probably all right, with the masses (yes, masses, plural) likely being entirely benign, and the organ that didn't worry me much at all is, in fact, probably NOT. Yeah, it's a mindfuck. The next step will be a biopsy, as soon as it can be scheduled, and no, I have no idea what that will set us back. If it IS malignant, options range from surgery and radiation to chemo and radiation, and either way, it's going to be expensive, and it's going to be aggressive because they have to make sure it's gone.

And if that's what it is, we are going to fight it every step of the way, no matter what it costs, either in money or in pain.

So we've got more big outlays coming up, not just yesterday's and now today, but much bigger ones very soon. As I've said, we were fortunate to have squirreled away funds to cover this at the moment, but it's barely February; there's a lot of year ahead of us. I'm terrified of what 2019 is going to bring, expense-wise, especially if they find something . . . not good, which is also terrifying in and of itself. Every single time I think I've gotten a handle on the psychic aspects of dealing with this, something comes along to remind me that at the moment, I have absolutely no control over any of it, and no means to do so, either. Yesterday it was the notification that I need another blood draw on Friday, because my blood was hemolyzed. The most obvious interpretation is that it was a problem with the draw, not my blood, but given what I've been going through, especially these last fifteen months, I can't have any genuine confidence in that. So much fear intertwined with all of this, and no end in sight. All this stuff is piling up fast and I have to get us through the whole year, not just the next two weeks, so please share the links (or use them, if anyone's so inclined):

• My Patreon, The Interstices (Writing Between Worlds) (and if you subscribe today you won't be billed until March 1st for February);
• Wings's site, for sales, with lots of new items posted;
• Wings's direct PayPal link;
• A way to buy me coffee (which actually goes to all of our medical bills, which continue to mount);
• Amazon wishlist, which mostly consists of animal and household stuff;
• Partial registry #1, from Bed, Bath and Beyond. There are new kitchen-y things on it now, stuff that I didn't realize we'd need to replace (either because the RV ruined it or because we gave it away when we had to downsize).

All we want, to be able to have some confidence in making it through the whole year with whatever they're going to find going wrong in my body, is to make some sales. That's it: sales; nothing else. But I haven't been able to make even that happen, and the stress is telling. Good vibes for Raven are still welcome (he's still hanging with us, and I need him to be safe while we're out). But I could use some, too, especially today. We all could also use some help with sharing Wings's site (and testimonials, if you got 'em). Thanks.

All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.