Anticipatory grief.

Photo copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved.

That forsythia is planted at the head of She-Wolf's resting place. Four days from now will her one-year anniversary. She was Raven's "sister" (and, in truth, an actual cousin or half-sibling by blood, as nearly as we could tell), and she will be seeing him again all too soon.

He's asleep now, on the tile near the door, where it's cool. Cancer makes their skin itch, and he loves the feel of the tile; it's also why he still loves rolling in the wet grass. But his body is clearly beginning the process of winding itself down, and I'm swamped today by anticipatory grief. It doesn't matter that it's been a long time coming; my heart breaks for my guard puppy, the one who attached himself to me as escort and guardian and guide all those years ago.

And there's just no break from the medical and financial pressures. That big bill last week I put off last week because of the tax thing? I had to pay it this week. Then there was Wings's medical appointment, and scrips for both of us. My doc was going to prescribe a new inhaler (guess what? $100 more than the last one), but that one contains an ingredient we already KNOW I'm allergic to, and so I have no alternative yet, which means I'm spending a lot more time on oxygen. Stress isn't helping with that; those other bills, the two hospital ones that still amount to $30K specifically, are killing me. I'm breaking under the weight of the financial pressures right now. I have to raise that $30K very fast, because that, too, is coming to a breaking point, and we can't do it without making some very big sales. [If we could sell the new concha belt and the butterfly maiden necklace, that would take care of what remains on the heart hospital bill. Then I could focus on the local one with the much higher balance, because they are the ones who are killing me with the stress. when I say "breaking point," I'm not just referring to bill collectors; I'm also referring to what my own body can take at this point, and the answer to that is "not much more."] We also can't do it without help. Here are the links:

• My Patreon, The Interstices (Writing Between Worlds) (and if you subscribe today you won't be billed until May 1st for April);
• Wings's site, for sales, with lots of new items posted;
• Wings's direct PayPal link;
• A way to buy me coffee (which actually goes to all of our medical bills, which continue to mount);
• Amazon wishlist, which mostly consists of animal and household stuff, with the kibble back off it, because Wings can't lift the boxes right now with his shoulder;
• Partial registry #1, from Bed, Bath and Beyond. I've added two or three new kitchen-y things on it now, stuff that I didn't realize we'd need.

Sales, sharing Wings's site (and testimonials, if you got 'em, please) — that's what we need. Also good vibes for Raven for everything to be easy and pain-free and comfortable for him for whatever time he has, which is pretty clearly not long. We thought perhaps it might be the other night, but he made it very clear that he had decided against that, and so we will support him as long as he chooses to be here. Thanks.

All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.