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| Photo copyright Aji, 2021; all rights reserved. |
She always finds me. It's a bit disconcerting when she turns her head to stare me right in the eye, but maybe she knew I was going to need her help.
I had just dropped off to sleep a little after 1 AM, and about 20 minutes later, I woke feeling slightly odd. I shifted position slightly . . . and got slammed with two violent muscle spasms of the charley horse variety, one in the back of each thigh (meaning that I couldn't even stand up). They were not, as it turns out, either the trigger or the main event. If it had not been for Wings, I likely would not be here right now, with the luxury of being able to say, well, THAT was unpleasant, but being you, know, being still alive and breathing.
It was the worst episode, I think, since the two that nearly killed me in November of 2017. And with the dual muscle spasms, I couldn't even stand, much less make it downstairs to where the prednisone was (yeah, I'm taking some upstairs tonight). Wings was down and back up again in a matter of moments, and I hung onto consciousness by sheer force of bloody bullheaded will until I could get a big dose of the steroid into me. I also slapped my O2 back on, and the pred slammed back the toxic inflammatory response that was jacking my blood pressure and simultaneously shutting down my airways, my consciousness, and in fact my entire body.
Because the ER is not an option these days, for anybody.
But between the terror and trauma of such episodes and the insomniac properties of prednisone, sleep wasn't happening, so I spent time in a deep dive on certain specific aspects of this in the medical-journal sites, and I think I've got most of it now. If I'm right, it explains so much. It's also the sort of thing that doesn't need me haunting costly labs and imaging joints to work on it; I can do that myself. If I'm right, it will take, at this point in my life, years to sort out, and I'll never be free of it, because that's what autoimmune clusters and complexes DO: They tie you up in tendrils of different but related syndromes and diseases that keep you from getting anywhere on fixing all of the by-now-myriad underlying problems. But it's a start.
Needless to say, though, I'm pretty weak today. Tired, balance is not very good, just feeling generally off. I got off lucky. If I'd been alone? I probably wouldn't be here.
For now, we're watching the clouds roll in and waiting for the storm, and trying to plan for everything ahead in the mess that this world is now. It's been an expensive week, and a brutal one in other ways that have nothing to do with money. We shelled out $225 for Stormy's spaying Friday, and we will be shelling out probably another $200, at least, for Sunny's neutering on tomorrow. We also have to pick up my remaining scrip and do a supply run tomorrow, and that's going to cost. Why? Because with what's being threatened for this week, nation-wide, the only trips outside our bounds for next week will be the post office to ship something and then Sunny's vet visit. It's not safe for people like us. Meanwhile, sales remain at a complete standstill. We're incredibly lucky to have been able to cover all of this month's outsized bills and expenses, including their vet visits, but at some point, I'm going to have to make it up somewhere, and my Patreon still has nearly $300 in subscriptions for December still unapid. We also paid $200, unexpectedly, for a load of wood yesterday morning, more to help the guy trying to sell it than out of any immediate need. It won't go to waste; at this elevation, we use it nearly year-round. But it wasn't planned; it was just that someone badly needed the help.
And that's the sum of what I can do right now. I have had to spend this week being forcefully reminded of my lack of value, intrinsic or otherwise, and I am done justifying my humanity to anyone. I'm also too tired for writing, so the links are below. Cold and dark, I don't care. I will not come out until summer if need be.
There is no economy now. There's nothing. People are literally dying all around us from the government's failures, and I don't know how we keep them, or us, alive unless I can cover the bills. We have lost SO much to 2020, so very, very many people, and the gifts and the talents and the knowledge and the wisdom they carried too often lost with them. Because this state has followed the lead of the country and refused to do what was required, we are about to see a very big spike in new cases, probably as early as two weeks from now; the current spike in deaths remains sustained daily. People have needed so much more help than we could give them, but we did as much as we could, even when it put us in a bind, and we will need to do much more of that this year. So:
And if you've been contemplating a purchase? Marking the birth of 2021 would be a very, very good time to do it. There's even new work, here and here, and there will be two more new pieces shortly, so please watch for them and share the links.
All content, including photos and text, are copyright Wings and Aji, 2021; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.
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