Still defiant.

Photo copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved.

Surrounded by dangerous substances and materials on all sides, earth as dry and arid as it gets, and still defiant. That aspen is as stubborn as I am.

Today has the feeling of make-or-break about it for me on the medicine, and I'm terrified of it being "break." My depression has been out of control for weeks, months, even, because my pain levels have just been so crushing that getting through each day in the face of that has been all I can do. I'm afraid to go back there, even though I'm not (and never will be) exactly out of it; I've just been marginally enough more functional the last three days to make it feel like something approaching remission. Pretty sad when your situation is such that you can conceive of still-constant full-body pain and the word "remission" in the same sentence.

Still. It breaks me over and over and over again, and I get back up every time, because fuck it. I will this time, too, if I have to. For now, though, I've got to get through these next weeks, and then the remainder of the year, and that's a lot of testing and a lot of repair work that's going to set us back a lot of money that we can't afford. No sales over the last week, and I have to change that somehow.

(The rest is all cut-and-paste, because I'm so far behind, and I have to get on to a bunch of other stuff right now; see the whole "sales" thing above.) I'm canceling all of my September medical appointments but one. It'll be the most expensive one, natch; there are factors that are cause for concern about my kidney function, and so I need to get those labs done at the end of the month, but everything else? Getting canceled. And there's a way in which I don't even mind all that much, because my pain and fatigue levels are so bad at the moment that I really don't feel like getting poked and prodded repeatedly week after week right now. 

For those wondering about either the health issues, see here; with regard to the work being done, some of the details are here. We still have to get the plumber in to finish up, and I regard that as a bigger priority right now in practical terms, so whatever we take in sales-wise will have to go to that. This is all complicated by the fact that, for August, a record number/amount of my Patreon patrons' cards were declined, too, so that income is lower than usual (no, I don't know who and haven't checked; I'm not going to contact anyone who probably is already scrambling to juggle their own stuff, too).

Anyway. Back to the grind; so I need help to get all this done. Folks can help in several ways, and we really need the help now:

• Sales here; 
• Testimonials here; 
• Wishlist here;
• Patreon here;
• Ko-fi here. 

On the wishlist, there are two MAJOR priorities right now:  the fly traps and the peppermint oil (thank you to whomever bought the peppermint oil!) and the dish drainer, the latter because we're going to need to take care of some cabinet-top stuff when the guys are here next week, or whenever we get them back out here. The former are needed in quantity because this is horsefly season, and the numbers are overwhelming our efforts All the other stuff is helpful, too; the candles are to deal with the residual mildew odor in the utility room, which I hope the plumber will be here to finish next week (the utility room work, not the mildew). But the costs on all of this are . . . killing us right now.

And as I said, sales are ideal, of course; one or two of Wings's bigger pieces would cover the whole shot for this round of work. Patreon subscriptions are good, too. Either way, it's a trade for value. But I'm already feeling panicked at what we thought would be our schedule being so suddenly and thoroughly upended, and we'll take it however it comes at this point. 

Please share everything, because I'm suddenly back behind the eight-ball on a whole additional front, and yeah, I'm scared about covering everything and surviving, too. Thanks.

All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.