At least today I got to see the dawn. Sales (and thus shares) desperately needed.

Photo copyright Aji, 2018; all rights reserved.

Beautiful dawn, isn't it? When I went to bed last night, I wasn't sure I'd see it this morning.

By mid-morning, I wasn't sure I'd see the rest of the day.

This is my life now. It comes out of anywhere and nowhere, and I never know whether it's just another false alarm, or this is it. No one else knows, either, and apparently can not be bothered to find out. They've sure quick enough to turn the bills over to the debt collectors, though; I'm hounded daily, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I can't even get my site off the ground? Why? Because I can't afford the upgrade. Literally everything else has to come first. I can't do any of my own work, sure as hell can't write, because that always has to come in dead last to everything and everyone else. I am so far beyond despair at this point that there are no words for it. [Yes, I know; if we were still in the RV, I'd be dead already. Small consolation, given that certain people have made it very clear in the last week that they much preferred us dying in it to living in our home. White folks who love them some Natives, as long as they know their place and stay well down in it.]

I thought we'd be able to keep our heads above water with the start of the new year. I was so far wrong that it would be funny, except the stress is killing me. I will likely not be around much the next several days to engage with or on anything beyond selling Wings's art. The amount of residual physical pain from this morning's episode has left me in a very bad space. I have to be cognizant of the fact that there may very well be a time bomb in my body just waiting to go off, and my energies have to be spent dealing with what is my daily (many times a day, actually) reality now. If you've never had to go to bed wondering, very literally, whether you'll wake up to see the next morning? Whether you'll live to see the sunset? You're blessed. I wish I could go back to that.

There will be no fundraisers elsewhere. Not after that recent tapestry of lies. [Hint: Don't say you, or I, have done X when your statements are so easily, verifiably false. Sure took our cash fast enough, though.]. I will, when I can function enough, break my medical debt down into tiny pieces and try to raise enough to cover a little here and a little there until it's paid off. At $25K and climbing, that's probably the rest of my life. Today's dunning notice was for just shy of $1,500. We don't have it. And until I can get my new site functional ($400), I can't offer subscriptions for non-public content, so there's no way to gin it up that way right now, either. 

I'm tired. Breathing is a chore; it takes effort now. I'm also tired of having helped people who have turned around and both publicly and privately spat in our faces. Maybe tomorrow I'll have enough energy to feel like setting a modest goal on one of the medical bills. Maybe not. For tonight, the rest is cut-and-paste, because my pain levels have thrown me solidly into a space where I can't come up with anything else.

For now, just ignore the rest of it and focus on the fact that we still need sales, which means we need shares. Badly. Again, if you're thinking about donating, DON'T. Give it to Bobby to help get Don Feliberto back into a real home. Here's the latest update. We know what it's like not to have one; we have one now, and donations need to go there to get this elder safe again. I posted a second piece at my other site a couple of nights ago about Bobby's efforts in Puerto Rico, including his adoption of Don Feliberto to get this abandoned elder into safe space again. That will tell you what he's up against, and my e-mail's in my Blogger profile here (or you can DM at Twitter/FB); hit me up for his addresses if you want to contribute, either cash (most needed) or household and other items, some of which you can purchase outright via the Amazon Wishlist Bobby's set up here. He's added a bunch of new items, all badly needed, and I can testify to the fact that need for the power cords, the tools, and the solar lights and equipment is probably exigent at this point. That said, when you're in a situation like Don Feliberto is, it's amazing how wonderful clean clothes and good coffee can make you feel, too.

What we need are SALES. Please. Spread the word. Valentine's Day's gone, but people have birthdays, anniversaries, I-love-you days; there'll be other holidays and seasons coming up before you know it. Please spread all of our links around on FB and Twitter and other social media, via e-mail and word-of-mouth, to your family and friends and colleagues and whoever. The O2 issue is now solved, but there are all the ongoing regular expenses, the astronomical medical expenses, and of course, someday we'd like to be able to get the house finished. I have no hope of that happening anytime soon; I don't know how we're going to get through the rest of this winter, given current circumstances. So here are the links: 

• Tonight's post elsewhere (our pair, back home briefly after more absence than not);
• A way to buy me coffee (which actually goes to She-Wolf's & my medical bills);
• Wings's direct PayPal link;
• Wings's site, for sales;
• Wayfair gift cards, to replenish all the furnishings that the RV has destroyed in one way or another.
• Partial registry #1, from Bed, Bath and Beyond. There are new kitchen-y things on it now, stuff that I didn't realize we'd need to replace (either because the RV ruined it or because we gave it away when we had to downsize).
• Partial registry #2, from Wayfair. There are some things left on both registries that I thought by now I might be able just to buy outright, but medical bills (mine and She-Wolf's both) have to come first.

I've been trying to find some sort of accommodation with this oh-my-god-you're-going-to-die thing that keeps happening, which is to say, every time it crops up, I smack it ruthlessly back down and force myself to sit and breathe through it. It's not working. I'm doing it regardless, but these recent episodes are terrifying. We need, also, to get free of some of this crushing stress, and I don't see that happening as long as I have to spend every day scrabbling (mostly unsuccessfully) for whatever sales we can make. Closure's imminent, and I see no way to get through it now. In spite of it all, though, thanks, everybody, from both of us, for everything. I don't know about tomorrow, but at least today I got to see the dawn.



All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2018; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.