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| Photo copyright Ajijaakwe, 2014; all rights reserved. |
After the last few days, I'm starting feel as burned and broken — as dead — as those limbs.
This happened when the Sandusky story broke, and apparently, it's something we need to work through again and again and again. And then again.
Someday maybe I'll feel more up to writing about my own experiences.
For now, I've spent the last several days haunted and taunted by the images of my own past. Not even the basic sexism and discrimination, oh, no. This is a whole other depth. Reliving — refeeling — the touches and pinches and gropes and bites and things shoved into places where they're not welcome and not wanted. Memories as tactile physical sensations.
And the blame, always the blame. It must be your fault. You had no business being out at night. Why are you wearing that skirt? Well, you must have done something to lead him on. You're a tease. You're a bitch. You're a slut. You're a whore. You asked for it.
Day in, day out. Every day, world without end, forever and ever, amen.
So you'll understand if I'm really not interested in tolerating hijacks and derailments. For me, for any of my sisters.
Because it's not about you.
This time, for fucking ONCE, it's about US.
#YesALLWomen.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHoney, you did not need to delete a beautiful comment. We love you, and we see your love and support for women, and we appreciate it - and you - more than words can say.
Deleteoh Aj, I know, deeply, how much you care about me, and I know I didn't have to delete the comment - it means so much to me that you read it.
Deleteafter reading your beautiful post on the front page, I immediately wanted to leave you a hug here because I knew you weren't talking to me, the man. I didn't think twice.
but, after posting, I had a v-8 moment and it just felt so wrong all of a sudden. you and all of your sisters deserved your space, it was solemn, and I felt as if I had intruded. so I deleted the comment.
I had no idea I would leave a trace of my visit, thinking I could come back later and say hello. then there it was, right up top, This comment has been removed by the author. :o/ I just can't get away with anything. as dear Ria would say, gha. I know she would have loved to be here with you all.
I hope you understand, and know how much I love and appreciate you and Wings.
now I'm off to see your beautiful boy!
{{{{{{{Nimisenh}}}}}}}
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{All my sisters who have similar experiences}}}}}}
You're right. This is about all of us because this has happened to too many of us and because it's something even more of us will experience over our lifetimes. This is about all of us because we all live with the threats, the "jokes", the fear. This is about all of us because it's always our fault, even in a court of law. You know my past, beloved elder sister, and this is very personal to me. I have been feeling that way myself.
Much love. #YesAllWomen
You have been on my mind through all of this, because I DO know your past, and I have been hoping that having all of this garbage dredged to the surface everywhere has not sent you back there. I finally had to quit reading a lot of it; as I said to someone last night, it's like a train wreck where you don't want to look but can't look away, even though you know you'll have nightmares. Unfortunately, we've already *got* the nightmares anyway, and just reading some of what I was seeing was making me feel like a million showers would never be enough.
DeleteMuch love back, Nishime.
I'm there with you, Aj. I'm seriously unplugging and decompressing this weekend, because I'm just exhausted. Tired of reading the stories (because there's so. damn. many. of them, and it starts me despairing for a time and place where this shit is actually rare; and even more weary of reading the defensive "but not me!" as the trolls try to explain why it's all in our pretty little heads and not a real problem.
ReplyDelete(Trigger Warning for this next bit, fair warning)
Hell, there was one comment by a guy who admitted to being at a party where a girl was likely drugged and then gang raped, and he did nothing/didn't rape her too because "[he] was raised better than that" and oh yeah, he didn't want sloppy fifths anyway and it was "not violent" and there was "nothing he could have done". And he had the gall to get all pissed that people were telling him he was an accessory to rape and weren't engaging on his point that women are partially responsible because American women are so uptight about sex they're taught to say no several times before they say yes and so how's a guy supposed to know when no means no anyway?
::facepalm::
I have no energy for this. Between my own history and the history of far too many people I know, this whole week just leaves me feeling raw and exposed.
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
Yes, I saw the bit with your trigger warning already, unfortunately, which was one of a very, VERY long string of things this week that set me off. I've been worrying about you for days - whether you're reading those passages, whether's you're in a good space. Simply *being* a woman is exhausting, much less when you had to wade through all of this sort of crap.
DeleteHugs back atcha, darlin'. I'm glad you're taking some time off and decompressing for a while, but just know that I'm here if you need me, okay?
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ReplyDeleteThank you with more sincerity and appreciation than I can find words for
ReplyDelete