This is it. Reality settles in.

Photo copyright Aji, 2016; all rights reserved.

Despite the rain, last week, this image made me happy. Today, it's just making me despondent, since we're not likely to get far beyond it.

I so did not want to have to do another winter in this tin can. Six years. SIX. YEARS. I guess I thought that if we just believed, we could WILL this house into being.

World don't work like that. I of all people should know better. I convinced myself somehow that I could do this, and I should have known better.

Absent a drastic turnaround in our fundraising and/or sales, we're going to have to suspend work on the house by the end of the week. Suspend it indefinitely.

That means (with any luck, for their sakes), the guys will go on to find other jobs, and pretty soon fall will be here and we'll be without a crew, and then it'll slip away and it'll be winter again. And it'll be frozen hoses and no running water and another winter of outrageous electric bills while we risk another fire with this ancient circuitry, and I am despondent. All the more so since tomorrow we go, finally, after five years of trying to get this done, for Wings's first preliminary appointment toward getting his knees fixed. Yes, we've been trying to get IHS to arrange this for five years. Now that they're at long last showing some signs of movement after all these years of not giving a shit, we cannot postpone it. But I did not want him to have to navigate this dangerous thing while he's recovering from surgery, and I am absolutely sick at the thought that I have failed so miserably at this that he's going to have to do it anyway.

Do not — please, I'm begging you, DO NOT — leave comments here, or elsewhere, or send me messages, or anything else that adds to my goddamn workload and sense of guilt. I am not in a good space this morning, and this is my biggest workday, and I have too many things to get done and I am not in a space to talk to anyone. If you want to do something to help, share the link to our YouCaring page, and share the link to Wings's Web site. Just share them. That's all.

I'll be going through the motions here today, so you can expect to see the usual posts later, but I have no idea how long things are going to take. I'll be busy trying to figure out a way just to get this week covered, and what suspending this indefinitely is going to mean overall.



All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2016; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.