It's all gray.

Photo copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved.

Stormclouds from a few days ago; I've been too tired even to download more recent photos. It's all gray today: sky, rain, snow, pain. We had to run a couple of errands this morning, and I could barely stand up by the time we were done. 

I can't keep this up. As I've said, on top of absolutely suffocating pain, the stress is crushing, too, and between it and the pain and the exhaustion, the rest is all cut-and-paste. It's suddenly much harder than it was, this knowing-but-not-knowing; symptoms and dysfunctions that I thought I'd made peace with by putting them down to my autoimmune disease or other stuff suddenly take on a whole new color now. What's being caused by this tumor in my throat? What isn't? What's evidence of its spread? The amount of pain and fatigue, and the way it seems to be accelerating, isn't encouraging, either. The biopsy disturbed something in the tissues of my neck, and it's a lot more painful than it was before. So much has been wrong for so long, and I've had to adjust to that, and now it's all been upended in a new and dangerous way. 

And as I keep saying, I'm going to have push sales really hard now, because this is escalating fast, and I'm already in the hole on medical stuff more than $30K again. I'm so tired of being dunned by the people who helped put me here by ignoring this, but here we are. That's adding to all the stress, and I have got to figure out a way to bring in enough to get out from under some of it before it literally kills me. We've got to pay out another four figures on medical stuff this week, and there will be more of that to come. If we have to pay up front for the surgery, there will be no surgery, so for the sake of my own survival, I have to pray that they take me in, do it, and then bill me. My doc has now said that they will not do that, but we all know how that goes; she's not affiliated with them and they haven't given me any information of any kind yet. Yes, I'm scared. Now is when all those doubts creep in, when you wonder whether all the other symptoms you've attributed to something else all this time are in fact tied up with this, and if so, what that means for your outlook (or lack of one). And the fear over the prospect of not being able to get the needed surgery would be paralyzing if I didn't spend literally every minute pushing it as far out of mind as possible.

The Pueblo's been closed since the first of February, and will remain so through most of March. Sales are vanishingly slim, and there's a lot of year ahead of us. We now know that it is cancer, that the costs are going to skyrocket very fast, and that we have no way of paying for it, and neither of us cares; we're doing this. Determination is the word; with Wings's help, I'm going to beat it. So much fear intertwined with all of this, and no end in sight. Even so, all this stuff is piling up fast and I have to get us through the whole year, not just the next two weeks, so please share the links (or use them, if anyone's so inclined):

• My Patreon, The Interstices (Writing Between Worlds) (and if you subscribe today you won't be billed until March 1st for February);
• Wings's site, for sales, with lots of new items posted;
• Wings's direct PayPal link;
• A way to buy me coffee (which actually goes to all of our medical bills, which continue to mount);
• Amazon wishlist, which mostly consists of animal and household stuff, with the kibble back on it; we gave several of our existing bags to a local disabled vet with a starving rescue dog who needed the help;
• Partial registry #1, from Bed, Bath and Beyond. I've added two or three new kitchen-y things on it now, stuff that I didn't realize we'd need.

All we want, to be able to have some confidence in making it through the whole year with whatever they're going to find going wrong in my body, is to make some sales. That's it: sales; nothing else. But I haven't been able to make even that happen, and the stress is telling. Good vibes for Raven are still welcome (he's still hanging with us, and I need him to be safe while we're out). But I could use some, too. We all could also use some help with sharing Wings's site (and testimonials, if you got 'em). Thanks.

All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.