Relief. And fear. And determination.

Photo copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved.

The view coming home yesterday.

And we are both relieved not to be on the road again today. The last couple of days have been nothing short of exhausting for both of us: not only the travel itself, not only the added stresses of worrying about weather and ice and roads and other drivers, but also the worry about tests and results and what they;'re going to show.

And more (and more expensive) tests are coming up shortly. My blood draw this morning was postponed to Monday because the nurse-phlebotomist is out sick, and frankly I was glad not to have to out and about so early in this kind of cold, but in the meantime, I'm waiting for the referral so I can schedule the biopsy. It's a weird kind of relief, this notion that I could have this particular type of cancer, because it's more manageable, both literally and in terms of getting my head around the possibilities, than the one we were really worried about. But I've had my internal freakout over it, and now I just want to get on with it. If it is malignant, I want to get treatment under way as soon as possible. [And yes, it turns out that this particular issue could have caused my near death experiences, because there is one scenario in which, despite not being my heart, it can affect the heart in exactly the way I've been experiencing. Of course, mine has to be a zebra, natch.] 

And as I said, if that's what it is, we are going to fight it every step of the way, no matter what it costs, either in money or in pain.

So we've got more big outlays coming up, much bigger ones very soon. As I've also said, we were fortunate to have squirreled away funds to cover this at the moment, but it's barely February; there's a lot of year ahead of us. If it is cancer, the costs are going to skyrocket very fast, and we have no way of paying for it, and neither of us cares; we're doing this. Determination is the word; with Wings's help, I'm going to beat whatever it is. So much fear intertwined with all of this, and no end in sight. All this stuff is piling up fast and I have to get us through the whole year, not just the next two weeks, so please share the links (or use them, if anyone's so inclined):

• My Patreon, The Interstices (Writing Between Worlds) (and if you subscribe today you won't be billed until March 1st for February);
• Wings's site, for sales, with lots of new items posted;
• Wings's direct PayPal link;
• A way to buy me coffee (which actually goes to all of our medical bills, which continue to mount);
• Amazon wishlist, which mostly consists of animal and household stuff;
• Partial registry #1, from Bed, Bath and Beyond. There are new kitchen-y things on it now, stuff that I didn't realize we'd need to replace (either because the RV ruined it or because we gave it away when we had to downsize).

All we want, to be able to have some confidence in making it through the whole year with whatever they're going to find going wrong in my body, is to make some sales. That's it: sales; nothing else. But I haven't been able to make even that happen, and the stress is telling. Good vibes for Raven are still welcome (he's still hanging with us, and I need him to be safe while we're out). But I could use some, too, especially today. We all could also use some help with sharing Wings's site (and testimonials, if you got 'em). Thanks.

All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.