Tired.

Photo copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved.

That was yesterday morning. It kept me going through a very difficult day near the end of a very difficult week, but nothing's over yet. This week has been a horror show of hectic activity and financial and medical stress, and next week will be far worse.

While we're on the subject of medical stuff, I need to make one thing abundantly clear: Nothing I post is a request for advice. Especially not "public" advice, which is patronizing as hell. I don't know where this subconscious notion comes from that I must be ignorant of the basics, but I assure you, I'm not. I know my body better than anyone, doctors included; it's why I keep having to be the one to point them in the right direction. As to elimination diets, this is my fourth or fifth over the course of my life (since every doc winds up thinking this is something new that only they've thought of), the first having been conducted at the age of seven. Trust me, I've likely done this many more times than all of y'all; I know the drill thoroughly. I'm also kind of flabbergasted at non-Native folks telling me to focus on foods that are indigenous to us, given that I've made equally abundantly clear many times over the years how much our diet, Wings's and mine both, focuses on indigenous foods to the general exclusion of processed ones. None of that is what my current concerns are about. It's about the time and money, neither of which I can spare right now, in having to switch out two basics for three months, and having to engage in the expense and effort of experimental cooking with substitutes (that will feed both of us; unlike the last time I did this, I don't live alone anymore) while I'm coping with the pain and exhaustion and symptoms that I am now.

My mood is aggravated by having been awakened this morning, again, by having stopped breathing in my sleep. It's the first time in a few weeks, but the panic never lessens. And before folks start telling me what it "is" and what I "need," this is NOT sleep apnea. We've already been down that road, and the treatment made me worse. If you want to know what it feels exactly like, Google "cardiac asthma" and sit with it for a moment, then get back to me about what I need (no, really, don't).

Yeah.

No, we don't know that's what it is. We don't know anything, other than the fact that I have at least two organs that are not my heart that are impaired in some way. That's what next week is about. We don't know whether other organs are involved, nor what this consists of, nor whether these are the things that are affecting my heart or there really IS something gone very wrong with my heart that isn't showing up on tests thus far. And in the mix is the pain load from yesterday's treatment and the ever-growing financial stresses and the fact that it now looks like I have to make two out-of-town trips in the snow, because the forecast has changed yet again. Waking up with that panicky rising-from-the-dead feeling this morning has not been a good start to my day.

I am tired.

As I've said, with the economy in the shambles it is, we have had not a single sale since before Christmas, not one in 2019 yet. We were fortunate to have squirreled away funds to cover this at the moment, but it's only February first; there's a lot of year ahead of us. I'm terrified of what 2019 is going to bring, expense-wise, especially if they find something . . . not good, which is also terrifying in and of itself. So much fear intertwined with all of this, and no end in sight. All this stuff is piling up fast and I have to get us through the whole year, not just the next two weeks, so please share the links (or use them, if anyone's so inclined):

• My Patreon, The Interstices (Writing Between Worlds) (and if you subscribe today you won't be billed until March 1st for February);
• Wings's site, for sales, with lots of new items posted;
• Wings's direct PayPal link;
• A way to buy me coffee (which actually goes to all of our medical bills, which continue to mount);
• Amazon wishlist, which mostly consists of animal and household stuff;
• Partial registry #1, from Bed, Bath and Beyond. There are new kitchen-y things on it now, stuff that I didn't realize we'd need to replace (either because the RV ruined it or because we gave it away when we had to downsize).

All we want, to be able to have some confidence in making it through the whole year with whatever they're going to find going wrong in my body, is to make some sales. That's it: sales; nothing else. But I haven't been able to make even that happen, and the stress is telling. Good vibes for Raven are still welcome (he's hanging in), but I could use some, too, and some help with sharing Wings's site (and testimonials, if you got 'em). Thanks.

All content, including photos and text, are copyright Aji, 2019; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.