Very cold.

Photo copyright Aji, 2021; all rights reserved.

It's utterly clear today, and very cold. The temps plunged below freezing last night, and there's a lot more color change now (and a lot more sudden die-off of the leaves). Fitting, I suppose, given what this day represents.

Wings and I are both conflicted about this day. No, strike that; "conflicted" is the wrong word. We can recognize the need for it in the genocidal colonizer mess of a country that we have and still be angry that it's necessary, and angrier at the way it's used to deflect and avoid accountability, never mind amends.

I guess that's fitting right now, too; the anger, I mean. I've been on an internal hair trigger for two days now, courtesy of a med my doctor prescribed to try to help with the pain-related insomnia but that my neurochemistry cannot handle in the slightest.  It's finally starting to get out of my system a little bit, and getting rid of all of it can't come soon enough. I know y'all think I'm angry all the time, but that's just the part of the work that falls to me because I can do it. On a day-to-day basis, here at home? I'm incredibly easygoing, actually shy, and I'm happy almost all the time, even in spite of the depression that occurs secondary to my autoimmune disease. Most irritability is short-lived and entirely situational, which is why I'm so doubly annoyed with this brain-chemistry misfire from something that was supposed to help.

But the situational irritations are many: I can't schedule my eye appointment until I know I can pay for it, and I can't pay for it without at least $1,200 or so in reserve, because it's all cash all at once. And we have bills to pay, and Wings needs to buy silver and stones for holiday inventory, and and and and it never ends. Nor do the requests for help from other people, and I have to start saying no to all of them, because we don't have the money, and with the shape I'm in medically right now, I can't afford the stress, either.

Because the expenses just continue to mount. I paid quarterly taxes Wednesday night, and I have most of our regular monthly bills yet to pay, plus vet fees for the pups' shots at the end of the month. Wings had his audiology follow-up Friday, and apparently the cost was in fact covered despite what they said earlier . . . BUT they don't work the way we had hoped, which explains why the ones we wanted for him cost 3 times the price of these; he's going to have a long period of adjustment, and frankly, 'm not sure they're ever going to be right, based on what I've seen so far. As I said, I still cannot afford to schedule my eye appointment, which I need to make sure the lupus meds aren't damaging my vision (and to reorder lenses I'm a year overdue in ordering).  I also had another episode in the early hours of yesterday morning, one in which I stopped breathing (entirely) in my sleep. It's the first of those in a while, but that doesn't make it any less terrifying or problematic. [And no, this is not a request for advice; whatever you're thinking is already wrong. I do not have sleep apnea. I do not have nasal or throat obstruction. This is deep in my chest, and it shuts down entirely, and the only remedy is getting back on my oxygen. This is my autoimmune disease trying to kill me, as it very nearly did more than once four years ago, and what happens when the time comes that my subconscious can't wake me up? Yeah. That.]

But the worst consistent thing is the constant fight to keep the land alive, and the animals, and ourselves. We need that well, and we can't even get on the drill list. Yet another tree is dying. Oh, and now? Saturday I had to order a new burner for the propane tank that heats Wings's studio, another $100 our the door, because the one we bought last year is deader than a doornail, and in this season, there will be no silverwork without heat. The kicker? They sent the wrong one. He went and filled up the propane tanks yesterday (another big bill), but we don't even know if this one's going to work. We're sending it back and they're shipping what is allegedly the correct one, but for now, he'll be without heat in the studio for that much longer.

I've got to bring in more income, and without sales, there's no way to do that. We're also dealing with the same supply-chain issues as everyone else, and at some point soon, Wings is going to have to get silver and stones to produce holiday inventory, and I'm hearing that the price is already spiking on the metals. I've posted a ton of new work by Wings: another new pair of silverwork earrings Sunday night, here, and three all new pieces here two nights ago, in addition to other recent ones here and here (one of those is now sold) and here, and here. If I could sell one of the big works, like one of the belts, maybe I could get us on the drill list. But I've got way too much to do and too few hours and other resources to do it. 

Anyway, lupus pain is spiking badly and I've got a ton of physical stuff yet to do, including errands, so links are here:

• Sales here; 
• Testimonials here; 
• Amazon wishlist here (priorities are first and foremost, the ladders, because see above, and coffee coffee coffee, which we're finding it harder and harder to get locally);
• Patreon here;
• Ko-fi here.

And if you've been contemplating a purchase? This would be a very, very good time to do it; I've got to cover all this staggering outlay somehow and get us through what's left of the year. And right now? I have no way to do it.  But there's lots of fabulous new work, so please share all of the links. 

All content, including photos and text, are copyright Wings and Aji, 2021; all rights reserved. Nothing herein may used or reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the owner.